My Christmas Form Letter

I just came across this email I'd saved in my Inbox for a couple of years, not wanting to delete it because of how hilarious it is. It was sent to me by a former grad school colleague - a flamingly gay, extremely disconcerted and cynical bastard with a "woe is me" negativity running through his entire being. Charles sent this email on Dec 17, 2004 to many of his former grad school colleagues (he'd been kicked out of the program), including professors, students, secretaries, psychologists and the department head.

Date: Dec 17, 2004
Subject: My Christmas Form Letter

From Our Gay Family to Yours!

Alas, tis the time to bid good will to all this holiday season in the spirit of true Rockwellian tradition.

It has been an eventful past year scurrying from one appointment to the next, all while growing an unusually fruitful crop of wine bottles - which I donated to the local ‘under-twelve-years-of-age’ homeless shelter in a moment of typically gracious but never sanctimonious generosity. After all, one must be discretionary in distributing one’s God-given wealth!

I will be celebrating this holiday season with my extended family at the local ‘elite-homosexual-enclave’ where we will be dining on grapes, bon-bons and goat’s blood. What a blessing it will be to gather in a frenzied orgy of goodwill as we carol our way through Christmas -over and over and over again, only to be followed by a boisterous serenade of "ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall" from our ever-protective lesbian comrades.

And yet, after months of soul searching penance and a careful consideration of truth as defined by Christian logic, I have come to the stunning realization that I am probably not gay at all. Rather, I'm more likely to be part Virgin Mary and part Messiah who is trapped in a hermaphrodite’s body! This means that the 6500 men who pummeled my rectum weren’t really homosexual at all! Jesus Christ never said anything about ‘virgin-messiah-hermaphrodites’ entering the Kingdom of Heaven -or even Alberta for that matter. I mean WHAT IF WE GET THIS ALL WRONG?

But alas I digress -and maybe even project- while I gaze across the snow covered landscape and search my deepest recesses to ask "Where have all the flowers gone?".

Truly we’ve been blessed this thankful, holy, sacred year. I trust your family is doing well and bid you good tidings this holy, thankful, sacred season.

Good Tidings to All!