Last night I saw the biggest dick I've ever seen. No homo.

It's true. Last night at the Y, in the shower, was the largest piece of manhood I've ever laid eyes on. Not that I go around checking out guys' packages, but in the course of going about your business you sometimes see things (I SAID NO HOMO!!). And this one was hard to miss. The sheer girth was astounding. Not to mention the length. It looked unnatural.

Perhaps the most surprising part was the guy it was attached to. This humongous member belonged to a slender Asian man, about 5 foot 8. So much for stereotypes. Although this could be an outlier.

"I'm Not a Slut, I'm Polyamorous!"

A female friend was telling me about the various men she was seeing and had been seeing, to which I commented about her "really getting around." The only way this young hippie thought to defend herself from my playful, though seemingly judgemental comment, was with "I'm not a slut, I'm polyamorous!" ...Now that would make a really good T-shirt!

The Best Interjection EVER!!!

I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone today, and began telling her about how the poles are shifting, causing some of the strange weather patterns we've been experiencing, when she interjected with "all I can think about right now is having sex with you."

My Christmas Form Letter

I just came across this email I'd saved in my Inbox for a couple of years, not wanting to delete it because of how hilarious it is. It was sent to me by a former grad school colleague - a flamingly gay, extremely disconcerted and cynical bastard with a "woe is me" negativity running through his entire being. Charles sent this email on Dec 17, 2004 to many of his former grad school colleagues (he'd been kicked out of the program), including professors, students, secretaries, psychologists and the department head.

Date: Dec 17, 2004
Subject: My Christmas Form Letter

From Our Gay Family to Yours!

Alas, tis the time to bid good will to all this holiday season in the spirit of true Rockwellian tradition.

It has been an eventful past year scurrying from one appointment to the next, all while growing an unusually fruitful crop of wine bottles - which I donated to the local ‘under-twelve-years-of-age’ homeless shelter in a moment of typically gracious but never sanctimonious generosity. After all, one must be discretionary in distributing one’s God-given wealth!

I will be celebrating this holiday season with my extended family at the local ‘elite-homosexual-enclave’ where we will be dining on grapes, bon-bons and goat’s blood. What a blessing it will be to gather in a frenzied orgy of goodwill as we carol our way through Christmas -over and over and over again, only to be followed by a boisterous serenade of "ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall" from our ever-protective lesbian comrades.

And yet, after months of soul searching penance and a careful consideration of truth as defined by Christian logic, I have come to the stunning realization that I am probably not gay at all. Rather, I'm more likely to be part Virgin Mary and part Messiah who is trapped in a hermaphrodite’s body! This means that the 6500 men who pummeled my rectum weren’t really homosexual at all! Jesus Christ never said anything about ‘virgin-messiah-hermaphrodites’ entering the Kingdom of Heaven -or even Alberta for that matter. I mean WHAT IF WE GET THIS ALL WRONG?

But alas I digress -and maybe even project- while I gaze across the snow covered landscape and search my deepest recesses to ask "Where have all the flowers gone?".

Truly we’ve been blessed this thankful, holy, sacred year. I trust your family is doing well and bid you good tidings this holy, thankful, sacred season.

Good Tidings to All!

A Lizard Came Out of my Toilet!!

Yesterday when my friend Dave went to use my bathroom, I heard a school girl-like shreik, and looked to see what was going on. To our collective surprise, there was a 2-foot iguana sitting in my toilet bowl!!

After a moment of surprise, we looked at each other and burst out laughing - then got our cameras. Check this out!

"Keep Your Sperm IN Your Cock!"

That was the funniest thing I heard this past weekend. I was at a party and the conversation devolved from the topic of who's the wildest person in the room, and then people's wildest experiences, and somehow, in context, my friend Shane blurted out, "Keep your sperm in your cock!" Maybe you had to be there, but if you were there, you'd think it was really funny. And you do wish you were there. I know you do.

A Totally Weird Sensation

I was just brushing my teeth, and I experienced something I'd never experienced before - toothpaste in the eye! Seriously! It was some kind of a weird flick-back thing. But what a weird sensation. Cool, fresh, alive! Now, I wouldn't suggest you go rubbing toothpaste in your eyes, but thought I ought to report this finding to the world. Who knew??

Trust and the City

A very cool thing happened to me yesterday. I went to buy some bananas at the store down the street, but lo and behold, when I opened my wallet I only had American money. The girl didn't know how to deal with foreign currency, so after staring at each other for a few seconds, she said to just take them and pay her next time. Really?? How cool. In Toronto! The only other time I'd experienced that was on a small island in Belize when I ordered an ice cream but realized I didn't have money in my bathing suit. So I finally feel part of the neighbourhood after 8 years - just in time to move! Anyway, it gave me a warm feeling to be trusted like that in the big city. Stupid girl. That's the last she'll see of that $1.32!!!

Just kidding.

Squirrel Documentary

Tonight I met a woman who's making a documentary about her pet squirrel. She found the baby squirrel when it could fit in the palm of her hand - it was chasing after a boy with a prosthetic leg who was collecting pledges for the Terry Fox run (no joke!). She found it at a time when she was contemplating suicide. This squirrel gave her a reason to live. She nurtured it as its mother. But after a few months it was getting restless indoors, so she let it go outside. It kept having longer intervals before it would return home, then one day the squirrel just didn't come home. So the woman killed herself...No, stupid, then how would she be telling me the story?!...Anyway, it was the most intense feeling of love and worth that she's ever felt. And since she's a filmmaker, she'd shot footage of the whole thing - she even has some footage of the squirrel jumping on her head in the middle of meditation (hers, not the squirrel's). So she's cutting a documentary of the entire story. So what is stranger, truth or fiction?